A Love Misplaced

Unlike most people I know, my childhood memories are filled with pain and bitterness. For the first fifteen years of my life I was subjected to mental and physical torture by the person who I thought was my biological father.

I never knew why I couldn't make my father happy. I just knew that no matter what, I was going to try. His approval meant everything to me and I was willing to stake my life on getting him to love me.

He was a particularly brutal man who was very methodical in his approach to abusing me and didn't think he was doing anything wrong. When I reached my sixteenth birthday, all my questions were answered.

I was told by both my parents that my "dad" was in fact my stepfather and that I hadn't been adopted by him. Finally, I understood why he was so vicious in his attacks on me. I told myself that it didn't matter; I just wanted his love and approval. Apparently though, it mattered to him a great deal.

He was a proud man, the oldest of six children, and to him, I was nothing more than a constant reminder that my mother had remarried someone else and now he had to raise me after my biological father skipped out on my mother.

No matter how terribly he treated me, I still loved him and kept telling myself that if all he would do was say that he loved me too, all would be forgiven. Unfortunately, during those first sixteen years he never once called me by my name. Rather, he would just talk at me or down to me.

Everything I learned about relationships, how to interact with others and raising children, I learned from my parents. I knew that somewhere inside me, there was something better because I still cared for people. The people I cared most about were the homeless, veterans, the elderly, the sick and the dying. My stepfather hadn't beaten those values out of me. His mother and father and how they lived and worshipped stuck with me no matter what. They were both good people.

I hated my parents and I especially hated God for allowing them to do all these horrible things to me. I had always learned from Sunday school that God was Great, Merciful, Loving, and cared about His children. From my young perspective I sure wasn't seeing any of it!

I talked to God, I prayed, pleaded, begged and promised my way to get God's ear but no answer was forth coming. Suicide was an option which I tried three times with no success. I didn't want to live but I didn't want to die either - not like this!

It would take a lifetime for me to get over the things done to me by my parents and some of their friends. Slowly and with the help of my second wife, things would get progressively better but I still felt as though I was missing something.

Now, I had a woman I loved and respected, I now had a family that loved me and for the first time, and I really felt like my life was on track. Still though, there was a lingering emptiness as if I was still yet incomplete.

My long time love/hate relationship with my Heavenly Father was out of balance and only I could correct it. Slowly, I started mending my "fences" with Father and things began to improve but still, there was something lacking. I did not have a personal relationship with His Son Jesus Christ!

It would be later that a former boss of mine would lead me to the Lord and to the salvation I so desperately was seeking. The whole time I was growing up under a terrible dictatorship I never realized that I was seeking the love and approval of the wrong father!

God was and had been using and molding me into something He could use. He comforted me many times at night while I was sleeping and He always stood by me no matter what. - I didn't see it then. I was young, inexperienced and couldn't fully understand God for who and what He is.

The void in my life has been completely filled by the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit - Amen! It was never meant that I should understand everything. All I needed to do was to have faith and trust. Not easy considering the hell I went through growing up.

Finding God and enjoying a relationship with Him through Christ has taken the mangled wreck of a life I had and has turned it into something to be savored and enjoyed to the fullest. Believe it or not, God does answer prayer, He does care about you, He has not, nor will He ever forsake you!

In fact, He cares so much about you that He sent His Only Begotten Son to die for our sins that we may have eternal life with Him in heaven! It's hard for finite man to get a grasp on this concept but think about it - no more death, disease, hunger, strife, loneliness.

Even accepting Christ as your Savior doesn't mean that everyday will be filled with joy and bliss. What it does mean however is that you'll never walk alone. You will always have Someone by your side that loves and cares a great deal for you.

How is your relationship with God going? When you die, do you know where you'll stand with God on judgment day? I invite you to open your heart and accept Christ as your Savior. Read your Bible and pray to Father for His Holy Spirit.

God patiently waits on those who seek Him. If you're unsure of your relationship with our Father and with His Son Jesus Christ, contact me. Together, we'll seek guidance from the Father to eliminate those things which are interfering with your walk with God

© Copyright 2008 Dr. Brothers is an Independent Christian Minister with Doctorates in Biblical Studies and Divinity He is also a motivational speaker and writer and may be reached at dr_chas_brothers@msn.com